I’m going to tell you something you probably don’t want to hear: Growing and creating your ideal relationships is going to be a rollercoaster. In fact, it’s going to hurt…your ego. And at the beginning of the journey you’re going to feel like it’s hurting YOU. It’s not, the funk is merely an aspect of growth and it’s NOT permanent. But it is real, and it cannot be ignored.
Growth like this is not a rom-com or after school special, it’s real life. You can’t montage your way through this stuff. As you’re growing and connecting more deeply to your intuition and hearing what YOU need in a relationship your ego is going to freak the fuck out.
It is going to say all kinds of things to you. Ego will show up as the inner worry that manifests in 1000 different ways. It’s could, and most likely will, sound like one, many or all of these:
“You don’t deserve this”
“Why would this time be different?”
“What’s the use, it never works anyway?”
“How come THEY always get this and I can’t?”
“You’re not special and you have to be special to get that”
You’ll wonder why in every language you know, you’ll feel it in your whole body.
It could come up after a great first date, after a failed attempt at reaching out on a dating app and getting no response. After feeling neglected or hurt by a friend. It could come after the Director of the department you’re DREAMING to transfer to gives you a complement on a project but for some reason you don’t trust it.
The funk is going to roll in like a low hanging cloud and settle right into the little valley that is your life. It’s going to blur your vision to everything around you. What was a well laid plan is going to feel like a monster of a project that you’ll never be able to accomplish. The clarity you had around who you are and what you want in a relationship is going to seem muddled and like it’s 100% out of your control.
What the hell do you do? You’ll probably just want to sit in it, or you’ll think “this is my lot in life, might as well just give up and become OK with the status quo because there’s no use in fighting it.”
So how do you work through that? Cuz it sure sounds like a dead end road.
You give in to the funk.
You sit there, look at it from every angle. You identify all the parts of you that are involved in the funk. What’s sticking, what’s growing, what is hiding behind that darkest corner where the funk is the biggest? As you start to untangle all the aspects of the funk you’ll start hearing inner guidance. You’ll hear “honey, this keeps coming up because you haven’t addressed that.”
You’ll realize that it doesn’t ALWAYS have to go that way, it’s just gone that way “every time” you REMEMBER not every time that the event actually occurred.
You’ll realize that the reason you think things always go a certain way in dating is because of a formative dating experience and it’s not in your field of vision that a significant other could act differently. After all, they’re “all the same” right?
But how do you get to all that good stuff and ah-ha moments when you’re mired in the funk?
I’ve laid out the system I use below. Nine times out of ten I’m out of a funk, having GROWN and unearthed things that needed my attention. You can’t skip over PROCESSING the funk, if you do that you’re destined to end up back in it.
Follow these steps and unearth the real reason for the funk, and that specific funk will evaporate from your life. And when future funks come a callin’ you’l know how to handle them. Before long you’ll be able to bounce back faster than ever.
1. DO NOT SENSOR THIS PART: Sit with the funk. Put on your comfiest jammies, find the darkest broom closet at work, sulk and watch bad TV. Or my favorite - cry uncontrollably while writing. Seriously - let that funk out. If it comes out as a scream — scream your biggest, bloodiest scream ever. If it comes out in tears, let them flow as they need to.
DO NOT SENSOR THIS PART. <—- am I making my point? You NEED to let all the funk out! NOTE: Do not let yourself get stuck in this, there is such a thing as wallowing and it’s best left to pigs.
2. There will be a natural break, when this occurs after the funk is released now is time for step two. Ask yourself: What is the real trigger for this funk?
Answer yourself honestly, with 100% authenticity. No one needs to know the reason but YOU. It’s your funk, your life and your growth. It doesn’t have to concern anyone else if you don’t want it to. I highly suggest WRITING this down, write it all out.
It can be a stream of consciousness like mine recently from my journal (yes this is a real excerpt, and yes I’m nervous about publishing it publicly but its for all our benefit): “It’s because I don’t deserve this, what if no one thinks I’m good enough? What about all the money and time I invested, it could be for nothing. I’m a sham anyways, many people have beaten me to it. Why can’t I just be happy with the perfectly good life I’m already living?”
Don’t worry about spelling, sentence structure, or if you even like writing or not. Writing, is the best way to convey and wrangle these emotions and most importantly. Get them out of your cute but overworked brain. If you don’t write it down it stays in there and just keeps the swirl going.
3. With your answer from Step Two ask yourself “What else?” And keep going until there’s nothing else coming. The what else may be directly related or it may seem like it’s something totally unrelated (trust me even the unrelated ends up being related). Let this all out - if it’s less than a page of your worst penmanship, you’re hiding from yourself. Push yourself more.
4. Now ask yourself what the next right step is. Not the ultimate goal not the end result, what can you do in the next 5 minutes to make yourself one step closer toward non-funkery. Answers can include but are not limited to: take a nap, go for a walk, EAT something, go snuggle your pet, snuggle your mom, call your mom, text your bestie, watch a favorite movie, write more lovely things instead of negative things. Go to your favorite store and ooo and ahh over the pretty things in there.
Your aim here is to raise your emotional level and vibe to one or two notches above the funk.
5. Once you’re feeling a bit better ask yourself “What do I need to learn from this?” Again, let yourself just write without judgement. This is not an essay, something a loved one or any other soul needs to see. This is what YOU need to learn from it.
6. Ask: How can I assimilate this lesson into my life? Let ‘er rip. This is another raw and honest writing exercise.
7. Love yourself. Say thank you to yourself for all the work you just did. For the fact that now you’re feeling at least a little bit better.
8. Assimilate, move forward, love yourself more. Once you get the answers above sit with it all. It’s not time to get into massive action. It’s time to keep taking “the next right step” Not jump 18 steps ahead and wonder why you’re funky again.
9. Continue to ask “what’s the next right step?” In regards to this funky situation as the funk continues to deteriorate. Keep whatever knowings came out of your writing at hand. Maybe you make it the desktop image on your computer or your phone background. Set reminders to go off with key things throughout your day. Be ok with the fact that you’re taking steps and you’re feeling fragile.
10. Let the fragile feeling of having come out of the funk stay with you. This is vulnerability around an issue, this is the feeling of NOT hiding from your fears and funks. This is you living honestly, authentically in your life. It’s ok to be vulnerable around topics in your life. Hell it’s ok if you get a little wobbly when the topic is brought up in conversation. Own your wobble.
Rinse and repeat as needed. It’s not rocket science, it’s not a method that’s necessarily easy to work through either. But it’s truth.
This is the work: Showing up for yourself, asking deep questions and making sure that you’re hearing what your soul is telling you. Listening to yourself in this way is the biggest and best thing you can do. To live your best life, to connect deeper to intuition and to learn how to navigate funks that will inevitably come up in your life.
If this resonated with you, or you’re looking for a deeper dive on working through funk please let me know. I offer complimentary 30 min chats where we can talk through these kind of topics without expectation of you signing on for a coaching series.
I’m here to support you in your funk and your growth beyond it.