Updated: Nov 13, 2019
If you want change, you gotta start with you.
The first thing you need, after you've realized something needs to change in a given relationship, is to identify your needs, wants and desires
Often times I work with clients who want a change so badly but they don't know how to start. Then when I start pressing them a bit they realize they're not even sure they know how they want things to change, they just know that they’re over the status quo.
This is honestly my favorite time to start working with someone. When you KNOW you need change deep in your bones, you're frustrated as hell and you aren't sure what comes next.
You know why it's my favorite? Because there is nothing I love more than seeing someone wake up to what they want, and start taking the steps to make it happen.
So often I hear "How do I know what I want to change to?” It’s scary at first, and I actually did a little IGTV post about it earlier this month - how to start slowly making change. In that post I mention that once you make the space for change to start then you need to identify your needs, wants and desires.
This might sound like a lot, and trust me it can be, but when you start getting clear on what it is you WANT to change to you can start making the change. After you make space for yourself to start being again, you need to ask yourself one thing - What is it that you need, want and desire in this type of relationship?
These three questions can be answered regardless of if you have a specific relationship in mind or it's just a type of relationship you want to see improvement on.
In the space that you've made for yourself to start feeling more like you ask that part of yourself, that intuition, what it needs. Don’t focus on the frustration or the parts that aren't right just focus on the things you know you need in this relationship.
This may seem over whelming but it doesn't need to be, simply look at the contrast, what you don't want and find the opposite. If it's feeling like you have to do all the house work you realize you want a partner that feels like a partner, where you delegate the work load. There you have it. Or maybe it’s feeling motivated and energized when you’re with your partner, like you typically do when you’re solo.
Find ways to make this work SPECIFIC to you, don't worry about what others would think or what the social norms are around this kind of relationship. This is work FOR YOU and BY YOU.
Then comes the next question: What else is missing from the way you’ve been living with this type of relationship? Do you need to work through some past baggage, do you have big assumptions or expectations?
This is the deep work of outlining needs, wants and desires.
I want you to make your master list then go back through and edit. What on this list was written by your ego or fear? Do you have something like “will always make me feel secure” or “won’t let me down”? Those are PEAK ego answers and it means you have some unpacking to do when it comes to why you listed those. This is when working through your assumptions and expectations comes up.
This is also why I do this work on relationships in tandem with developing your intuition. Your intuition will keep you on track for your highest good, and the highest good of all in the relationship. You are going to need to understand WHY you have certain things coming up on a list like this that are actually fear based, and do the work to love yourself through that fear. It is no one else’s job to make you feel secure, you can’t do things “perfect” enough to make someone love you. And you sure as hell can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t first and foremost fully love yourself.
So dive into this work, make sure you get real about it. Make a second list of what comes up that you know you need to work on with your ego and with fear. Love that list, give it a big old hug and give YOURSELF a big old hug too.
Identifying those triggers will do wonders to help you in future relationships and the one you may currently be in.
Once you’ve done this work simply be conscious, and hold space for what else may come up…we’ll tackle the next phase in next months work. Where we’ll be getting vulnerable, big, bare and open to what can be in our amazing lives.