Often times, I work with clients who want a change so badly, but they don't know how to start. This is when I go into a line of questioning and prompting, and often times my clients realize they're not even sure they know how they want things to change, they just know that they're over the status quo.
This is honestly my favorite time to start working with someone. When you KNOW you need to change deep in your bones, you're frustrated as hell, and you aren't sure what comes next.
Do you know why it's my favorite? Because there is nothing, I love more than seeing someone wake up to what they want and start taking steps to make it happen.
So often, I hear, "How do I know what I want to change to?" It's scary at first, and I actually did a little IGTV post about it in the past months - how to start slowly making change. In that post, I mention that once you make the space for change to start is when you need to identify your needs, wants, and desires.
This might sound like a lot, and trust me, it can be, but when you start getting clear on how you want to change, you can start making the change. After you make space for yourself to begin again, you need to ask yourself one thing - What is it that you need, want, and desire in this part of your life?
So what are your Needs, Wants, and Desires?
Needs: are soul level, they must be there for you to be happy and content in the relationship.
Wants: are life phase focused, this is things like a focus on your career or starting a family. You'll have a similar approach to things here as you move through life but the tactical part of it will change.
Desires: the sprinkles on top, these are the nice to have but not necessary. Often these are what first attracts you to the person but you must have the Needs and Wants met to have a fulfilling long term relationship.
These three questions can be answered regardless of if you have a specific relationship in mind or it's just a type of relationship you want to see improvement on.
Ask the part of yourself, that intuition, what it needs. It's the part of you that feels most likely *you*, some people feel it in their chest, their stomach, some don't feel it but hear it… whatever and wherever you feel aligned and like your most authentic self is where you need to go to get this clarity. If it's a physical place, imagine yourself being there and see what would happen.
Don't focus on the frustration or the parts that aren't right; just focus on the things you know you need in this relationship.
Examples and the answers can come from anywhere in your past experience. If you felt like you have to do all the housework, you realize you want a partner that feels like a partner, where you delegate the workload. There you have it. Or maybe it's feeling motivated and energized when you're with your partner like you typically do when you're solo.
Find ways to make this work SPECIFIC to you, don't worry about what others would think or what the social norms are around this kind of relationship. This is work FOR YOU and BY YOU.
Then comes the next question: What else is missing from the way you've been living with this type of relationship? Do you need to work through some past baggage, do you have significant assumptions or expectations?
This is the deep work of outlining needs, wants, and desires.
I want you to make your master list then go back through and edit. What on this list was written by your ego or fear? Do you have something like "will always make me feel secure" or "won't let me down"? Those are PEAK ego answers, and it means you have some unpacking to do when it comes to why you listed those. This is when working through your assumptions and expectations comes up.
This is also why I do this work on relationships in tandem with developing your intuition. Your intuition will keep you on track for your highest good and the highest good of all in the relationship. You are going to need to understand WHY you have certain things coming up on a list like this that are actually fear-based and do the work to love yourself through that fear. It is no one else's job to make you feel secure, you can't do things "perfect" enough to make someone love you. And you sure as hell can't expect someone to love you if you don't first and foremost fully love yourself.
So dive into this work, make sure you get real about it. Make a second list of what comes up that you know you need to work on with your ego and with fear. Love that list, give it a big old hug and give YOURSELF a big old hug too.
Identifying those triggers will do wonders to help you in future relationships, and the one you may currently be in.
Once you've done this work simply be conscious, and hold space for what else may come up…we'll tackle the next phase in next month's work. Where we'll be getting vulnerable, big, bare, and open to what can be in our amazing lives.
If you're looking for more guidance on exactly how to answer the needs, wants, and desires in your relationships, I have you covered. Head to my shop page and download the workbook! Now through May 31, 2020, it's 50% off with the code "housebound", AND you get a free 30 min working session with me to use anytime during your completion of the workbook or just after.