Your Inner Light is the thing that sparks everything. When you’re shining your brightest and best, things flow. Your relationships feel great, work is going well, things are at ease and you’re enjoying life. I see inner light the brightest for most when they’re on vacation or just starting out in a new relationship. Hope springs eternal it seems and the weight of expectations and patterns haven’t yet developed.
So why is it that we live so much of our lives with our inner light dimmed, or worse yet, extinguished? Why are we hanging around people that keep our lights at less than full blast? Why are we sticking it out in relationships that don’t fulfill us? With people that don’t encourage us to be our biggest, fullest and brightest selves? It’s the way we’ve been conditioned, it seems to be what everyone else is doing so we fall in line. We are a tribal species after all, we constantly want to feel like we’re in the same boat as everyone else.
We’ve been conditioned. So we “tough it out” “make it work” and settle because after years of dating, or years of marriage there’s no one else out there so why go alone to try to find some rare or non-existent ideal?
What if living at full brightness with your inner light is what we were all truly conditioned to do? I think that’s true, and that’s where I want to help you to start living from on a daily basis.
More often than not I find for women that relationships are the things that we allow to dim our light the most. We stay with a person who tells us our dreams are silly. You could never open that I love Lucy themed dessert bar, it would never work. Or it’s friends that are constantly in bitch-fest mode. “I can’t loose weight.” “Did you see what Kelly was wearing today? yikes…” “My husband is such a pain in the ass.” “Why did you do that?”
Being in situations like this automatically dims your light. You start learning to live around the other person. You realize things that are acceptable to say and things that will get you loads of negative attention or hurtful things said to you. You’re smart, and so is your ego, so you adapt to avoid the pain. It’s not going to let you keep putting yourself out there only to get berated over and over again. So you start shutting down, shutting off parts of yourself. Maybe you stop going to that book club because your husband doesn’t like that you’re “partying with the girls” or you stop talking about your fencing classes because your friends think it’s weird.
More often than not, again because of this whole need to belong that goes back eons, we decide it’s safer to compromise our inner light than it is to go it alone and risk flying solo while on our way to meeting new like minded and supportive people. Rarely do we think “Well, it’s ok I’d rather have a couple months of solo time to catch up on Game of Thrones while I meet someone new who actually thinks a conveyor belt filled with chocolates for a bar sounds like a fun idea.” So we dim our lights, without even being conscious of it. Then we wake up five years later royally unhappy with no idea why.
What do you do with this realization that your inner light has dimmed or is extinguished? Make a list. Make a list of all the things that bring you joy. Make another list of the things you’re tired of putting up with. Then take a look at those to lists and pick one a week to act on.
If you want to start crocheting again, go to the yarn store this week and pick out a cute patten and some yarn for a new project. That’s all, next week you can start. Baby steps.
If you’re tired of putting up with your significant others negative talk about work that leaves you feeling like pond scum (even though it’s not your job or problem directly). Talk to them about it, ask if you can put a 5 min work day bitch session limit, once that 5 minutes is up no more work talk.
What if it’s bigger than that? Maybe you’re in the space I was a few years back, and you realize being that person’s person is what’s extinguishing your flame. Then start looking at what next steps are to remove yourself all together. Maybe there are more talks the two of you should have? Maybe you need to get clear on what’s missing and what you truly need in a partner? Maybe you realize that therapy for yourself or both of you is probably a good idea. Whatever the list is, take it one step at a time each week. Just nock off a little bit, and before you know it you’ll start embracing your light again.
I realize this can be a struggle, finding someone to hold you accountable as you start doing this work is so important. Find a friend or a confidant to support you. This is the key way in which I work as a life coach. I’m your accountability partner. You have all the truth within you, a coach simply holds space for your inner light to come back to life and guides you through the dark moments.
Another note on your Inner Light: A beautiful thing that happens as you’re starting to stoke the fire again, is your Inner Light starts to refuse to be put out. It knows how bad it feels to be dimmed and once it starts being fed again the last thing it wants in the world is to lose its shine. Hold on to this realization, and make space to continue to feed the fire. Even if it’s just five minutes a day to google your favorite activity and day dream. Just do it. Keep feeding that light and before you know it you’ll be shining brighter than ever.